How do I stop apologising so much?
To stop apologising so much, separate real apologies from reflex ones. A real apology is owed when you have done something wrong; a reflex sorry fills a silence or pre-empts a judgement. Swap the reflex ones for thank you, which research found people often prefer, and keep sorry for the moments that need it, where it carries more weight.
You stop apologising so much by noticing which sorries are not apologies, and swapping them for a thank you.
Sorry to bother you. Sorry, quick question. Sorry, this is probably stupid.
None of those is an apology. Each one is a small payment made in advance, in case someone was about to mind.
Why do I apologise so much?
People who apologise a lot usually notice more moments as needing repair, not just more mistakes. A slip that someone else would let pass registers with you as something to put right, so the sorry arrives first.
The habit is not a flaw in your character. It is a well-tuned attention to other people, set to fire a little too early.
Do women apologise more than men?
Women do report apologising more than men, but a 2010 study found they apologise for the same share of offences. The difference is in what counts as an offence in the first place.
In the study, published in Psychological Science, Karina Schumann and Michael Ross asked people to keep a daily diary of every offence they committed or suffered, and whether anyone apologised. Women reported apologising more, and they also reported more offences.
In a second study, women rated imagined and remembered offences as more serious, and that rating predicted who apologised. The habit starts with what you notice.
Is saying sorry all the time a bad thing?
Saying sorry is not the problem. Some sorries are generous, and they make people trust you more.
A 2013 paper by Alison Wood Brooks and colleagues looked at what the authors called superfluous apologies: saying sorry for something that is plainly not your fault. In one of their studies, a stranger at a station on a wet day asked people to borrow their phone. Far more handed it over when he opened with I'm sorry about the rain. Sorry, used that way, says I see you.
The sorry worth losing is the one aimed at yourself. Sorry, this is probably stupid does not express care for the other person. It lowers your own idea before anyone has heard it.
A good test is who the sorry is for. If it is for their bad luck, keep it. If it is for your existence, swap it.
What can I say instead of sorry?
Thank you is the most useful replacement for a reflex sorry, because it turns the moment towards the other person's kindness and away from your fault.
In a 2019 series of studies in the Journal of Marketing, Yanfen You and colleagues compared the two after a service had gone wrong. Customers who were thanked for their patience were often more satisfied than those who were offered an apology for the delay. The thanks made them feel good about themselves, and the apology did not.
The same swap works in ordinary life:
| Instead of | Try |
|---|---|
| Sorry I'm late | Thank you for waiting |
| Sorry to bother you | Have you got a minute? |
| Sorry, I've been rambling | Thank you for listening |
| Sorry, this is probably stupid | I've got an idea |
| Sorry for the mess | Come in |
| Sorry, can I just ask | Can I ask |
Some of the swaps are thank you. Others are simply the sentence with the sorry taken out, which is often all it needs.
How do you break the apologising habit?
You break the apologising habit by catching it in one place first, then practising the replacement until it comes out on its own.
Email is the easiest place to start, because you can read it back before it goes. Look for sorry, just and no worries if not in the first line, and delete what the sentence can live without. Then try the same in one meeting, or one phone call.
Expect the sorry to arrive anyway for a while. A reflex is fast, and a new sentence is slow until it is familiar. Say the new one after the old one if you have to. The order changes in time.
The steadier voice also helps when a real apology is owed. In a 2014 study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Karina Schumann found that people who first reflected on a value they cared about went on to give better, more complete apologies when they had done something wrong. Feeling secure in yourself does not make you apologise less when it counts. It makes the apology that counts a better one.
There is more on holding your ground in how to say no without feeling guilty.
A steadier voice, practised each morning
Dewlight is a morning practice for the voice that speaks before you do. Two minutes of affirmations, drawn from more than 2,000 research-grounded lines written around the values you choose, said at the mirror, read on a card, or heard in your own voice.
Brief value-affirmation has real, lasting effects on how people see themselves: a little more kindly, and a little less defensively. That is the footing a thank you comes from.
The first kind thing you say each day can be to yourself. Try Dewlight for a week.